The Noise Registry
How do you score a race where the point is to make a scene? A notary in a helicopter, a statement of account, four ways to settle a reading and a deceased who dislikes encores.
The will is clear: four billion to the heir who makes the most noise. The will is less clear on what noise is. Somebody had to decide, and that somebody turned out to be us, a notary and a very long spreadsheet.
Mr Pell
Osgood Pell is the Notary-Assessor appointed by the estate. He follows the race in a white helicopter, writes everything down and reports it in the voice of a man reading the minutes of a parish council meeting.
Good afternoon. I am your Notary-Assessor. I’ll be counting.
He has four verdicts, and you will come to long for the last one:
- Noise assessed as modest. The deceased would have yawned.
- Noise assessed as moderate. The deceased would have been mildly irritated.
- Noise assessed as considerable. The deceased is sitting up.
- Noise sufficient. The deceased is satisfied. Nobody else is.
Variety, not volume
Our first scoring model counted damage. The more you broke, the more you scored. Playtesters found the most expensive thing on the map and hit it forty times. That is not noise. That is a hobby.
So the deceased now dislikes encores. Repeating yourself earns less each time, and Pell says so:
Repetition noted. The deceased dislikes encores.
Noise is scored by variety: a near miss, a drift, a roll, a jump, a rival written off, a kiosk relocated, a landmark reconfigured. Each kind of mayhem has its own line on the statement, and the statement rewards a full page rather than one long line. The loading screen puts it simply: noise is a matter of variety, not volume.
Four ways to settle
A reading of the will can be won four ways, and you choose as you go: by route, through every checkpoint first; by wrecking the family; by clearing the streets; or by noise, satisfying the deceased outright. They pull against each other. You cannot do all four. You can try.
The statement of account
At the end of every race the estate sends you a bill. It is a statement of account, itemised in the most pompous English we could manage, signed by Pell and stamped with wax. It was meant to be a results screen. It has become our favourite thing in the game.
Bollards, benches, bins: 14. Rearranged.
Rolls, complete: 3. Landed, mostly.
Near misses: 22. Nerves: frayed.
Two (2) heirs, struck from the will.
And every evening Radio Valmora reads out the standings: the Registry tonight: Prudence leads, the Kessler entry is fifth and rising. Weather: dramatic.